I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
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[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is