Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
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Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.