People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
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My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.