It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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I already tried new things thanks.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Good morning.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”