In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
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I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.