My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
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🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”