Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
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I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”