Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
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Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I can’t be the only one 😂
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.