If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
What if all the cashiers are married?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.