Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
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Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
This made me smile…
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.