I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
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This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
You had me at “define legal”.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
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