[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
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I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Not today.. 😂
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
peak technology
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Mad Max: Furry Road
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)