*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
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Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
ok like just. call me at this point
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Um … Hot Wings please
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
In space, no one can hear…
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.