Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
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Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
August 8
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
My daily affirmation
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
😅😅😅