Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
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Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
😂🤣😂🤣
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.