The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
You Might Also Like
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Love is in the air fryer.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them