Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
You Might Also Like
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa