My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
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bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Don’t talk down to me
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
The fall of Netflix
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.