I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.