Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
The two types of wives
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Merica.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.