INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
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Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”