i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
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I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”