DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
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I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween