Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
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There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah