*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
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Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”