TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
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Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.