Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
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Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy