My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.