Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
True?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.