Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
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Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.