Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
You Might Also Like
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
They grow up so quick
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.