do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Got ya covered
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics