Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
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I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*