“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
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Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*