Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
You Might Also Like
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”