Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Breaking news:
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.