Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
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Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
absolute chaos
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done