My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae