SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
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Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.