When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
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Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Pass gas, not judgment.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*