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Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Sorry. Not sorry
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one