Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
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HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little