Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
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Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
no one ever comes back
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO