A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”