me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
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HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state