interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
You Might Also Like
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Netflix: We have Less
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either