I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
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I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Somebody’s lying.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?