My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
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Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Butt weight. There’s more!
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
mechanics be like
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Pretty much! 😂👀
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company