Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
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[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
He died doing what he loved: being alive
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.