After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
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Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.